SOUND THE TRUMPETS! LET THE FESTIVITIES COMMENCE!

Eight-term Indiana Representative Mark Souder tripped over his own family values today and adds his name to the exceedingly long list of Republican hypocrites who speak two different messages from each of their heads.

Admitting to illicit carnal knowledge of a female aide who worked in his district office, Souder officially announced his resignation from the House of Representatives and the withdrawal of his re-election bid effective Friday, May 23.

In a speech reminiscent of Jimmy Swaggart's (right down to the tears) Souder stated he "sinned against God, my wife and my family by having a mutual relationship with a part-time member of my staff." Those with strong stomachs can read the full text of Souder's statement here on (shudder) the FOX News website.

Wingnut Lawyer Gets Served

Meet Gabriel Schwartz, 29, of Denver Colorado. His hobbies include: practicing law, lowering taxes for the wealthy, bombing the shit out of countries filled with brown people, and picking up thieves posing as sexy women interested in sleazeballs. Yes, ladies, he IS single and available! Although possibly a bit more cautious with his dating these days. I DID report on the prevalence of prostitution at GOP conventions earlier this year - but this enterprising young lass completely skipped the actual sex part of the transaction. Schwartz, who's been described as "a fixture in Colorado Republican politics" gave the following interview during the Republican National Convention in Minneapolis.



Apparently that was before he picked up a "date" for the evening and invited her up to his hotel room for some after hours entertainment. Once there, the woman fixed the drinks and told him to get undressed. And that was the last thing he remembered from is romantic encounter. He later awoke to find that he had been robbed of over $120,000 in money, jewelry and other belongings.

I love a happy ending!

Republicans Really Blow

What is it these days with Republican officials and their irresistible desire to perform fellatio on strangers? About a month ago, Florida State Rep. Bob Allen, a co-chairman of John McCain’s presidential campaign in the Sunshine State, ran into a little trouble with the law. He was arrested in a public park after allegedly offering to pay to perform oral sex on an undercover police officer. Not a good career move. His excuse? "I was afraid of the large black man, so I offered him money and my mouth".

Now it's spread to here in the Hoosier State! The chairman of the Clark County Republican Party — who last month was elected president of the Young Republican National Federation — has resigned both posts, apparently in the wake of a criminal investigation for. . . performing an unwanted sex act on a 22-year-old while the man slept in a relative’s Jeffersonville home.

Murphy, a 33-year-old Utica resident, has not been arrested nor charged at this time. It'w worth noting, however, that this is Murphy's second run-in for the same offense. In 1998, a 21-year-old male filed a similar report with Clarksville police claiming Murphy attempted to perform a sex act on him while he was sleeping. Charges were never filed in that case.

Note: George Harrison. . .