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Thursday, March 15, 2007

Relax - We're all safe now. . .

The war on terror is now officially over! Khalid Sheikh Mohammed today took full responsibility for the following acts:

  • "I was responsible for 9/11 from A to Z, although I speak little English and have no idea what that phrase actually means".
  • The killing of a US Marine off of Kuwait in 2002 - "Me again".
  • The 1993 truck bombing of the WTC - "Yup, that too. Please release my blind friend"!
  • Daniel Pearl's execution - "I was the slasher in that one".
  • "I attempted to assasinate Jimmy Carter, the Pope, Bill Clinton, and Musharaf".
  • The 2002 Kenya beach bombing - "Also my work".
  • "I also planned to attack the Sears Tower, Big Ben, Empire State Building, NY Stock Exchange, Panama Canal and Heathrow Airport".
  • "Nicole Brown & Ron Goldman. . .HA OJ, you were never even close"!
  • "The Unabomber is an innocent man. Okay. . he's a whackjob, but he took the fall for me on that one".
  • The Kennedy assasination - "I was the second gunman; the Warren Commission were total idiots"!
  • "It was *I* who kidnapped the Lindbergh baby. Anyone who'd hang out with Prescott Bush. . .fascist had it coming".
  • "I was the one who secretly damaged the thermal tiles and sliced the o-rings on your American space shuttles"!
  • "You know that great meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs? From my lips to Allah's ears"!
  • "I whispered my name into FDR's ear in his sleep. . .Hello, I said. . .*I* am FEAR".

*Editor's note: It should be noted that Mohammed spent several years in a black prison under CIA torture before finally being moved to Guantanano Bay - His mental faculties are definately in question! The Iraq Study Group Report indicated that he was a delusional individual with aspirations to greatness, realistic or self-authored, who craves publicity for his "acts".

So, in short, if he is actually guilty of all that he really confessed to, leaving out my obvious embellishments above, then. . .the war on terror truly IS over. So we can now:

  • Redeploy our troops the hell out of Iraq.
  • Redeploy the war funds to domestic needs.
  • Redeploy this administration to a federal prison.
  • Redeploy our destroyed world reputation by HELPING others.
  • Redeploy corporations out of political control of our nation.
  • Redeploy our true American spirit by working together for our common good.

Who am I kidding? KSM is guilty of being a member of al-Qaida, but he obviously isn't responsible for all of his torture-induced egotistical boasts. We CAN accomplish the above redeployments, however, and you know how. . .


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Blogger Peacechick Mary said...

You forgot that he was Mrs. Adolf Hitler and the other guy on the grassy knoll in Dallas.

Your redeployment plans are absolutely perfect and I'm behind them 100%

Peace, John.

title="comment permalink">March 15, 2007 8:44 PM  
Blogger Marked Hoosier said...

He also was "the one armed man" from the fugitive.

He is a Crazy and Evil guy...

title="comment permalink">March 15, 2007 9:55 PM  
Blogger Anon-Paranoid said...

He also planned the war in Iraq and used the Dark Lord Dick {Goebells} Cheney as his fall guy.

Oh yeah he was never Tortured like he said he was. He made that up, but everything else he confessed too was the Honest to Allah's truth.

God Bless.

title="comment permalink">March 15, 2007 10:46 PM  
Blogger Parson said...

Danny Pearl was murdered by Ahmed Omar Saeed Sheikh.
Oh, KSM confession bogus folks
It's amazing how after 4 years his confession comes out just in time to distract us from the Gonzalas mess.
KSM Deflector Apparatus Up and Running

I wish Bush would figure out we are all not as stupid as he his.

title="comment permalink">March 15, 2007 10:49 PM  
Blogger Kvatch said...

But seriously...was there anything he didn't cop to?

title="comment permalink">March 16, 2007 1:07 AM  
Blogger Stan Matuska said...

I like what Parson said. It hadn't dawned on me regarding the timing of the announcement. Hmmmmm.

title="comment permalink">March 16, 2007 7:42 AM  
Blogger Hill said...

John, I read that the CIA brought his young sons, 7 and 9, over to this country to interrogate them. I'm like WTF????
Karma is gonna be a pissed-off bitch when she comes for us for allowing this evil.

title="comment permalink">March 16, 2007 8:31 AM  
Blogger Human said...

Darn! I thought the Hoffa case would finally be solved.


title="comment permalink">March 16, 2007 1:42 PM  

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