Relax - We're all safe now. . .

The war on terror is now officially over! Khalid Sheikh Mohammed today took full responsibility for the following acts:

• "I was responsible for 9/11 from A to Z, although I speak little English and have no idea what that phrase actually means".
• The killing of a US Marine off of Kuwait in 2002 - "Me again".
• The 1993 truck bombing of the WTC - "Yup, that too. Please release my blind friend"!
• Daniel Pearl's execution - "I was the slasher in that one".
• "I attempted to assasinate Jimmy Carter, the Pope, Bill Clinton, and Musharaf".
• The 2002 Kenya beach bombing - "Also my work".
• "I also planned to attack the Sears Tower, Big Ben, Empire State Building, NY Stock Exchange, Panama Canal and Heathrow Airport".
• "Nicole Brown & Ron Goldman. . .HA OJ, you were never even close"!
• "The Unabomber is an innocent man. Okay. . he's a whackjob, but he took the fall for me on that one".
• The Kennedy assasination - "I was the second gunman; the Warren Commission were total idiots"!
• "It was *I* who kidnapped the Lindbergh baby. Anyone who'd hang out with Prescott Bush. . .fascist had it coming".
• "I was the one who secretly damaged the thermal tiles and sliced the o-rings on your American space shuttles"!
• "You know that great meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs? From my lips to Allah's ears"!
• "I whispered my name into FDR's ear in his sleep. . .Hello, I said. . .*I* am FEAR".

*Editor's note: It should be noted that Mohammed spent several years in a black prison under CIA torture before finally being moved to Guantanano Bay - His mental faculties are definately in question! The Iraq Study Group Report indicated that he was a delusional individual with aspirations to greatness, realistic or self-authored, who craves publicity for his "acts".

So, in short, if he is actually guilty of all that he really confessed to, leaving out my obvious embellishments above, then. . .the war on terror truly IS over. So we can now:

• Redeploy our troops the hell out of Iraq.
• Redeploy the war funds to domestic needs.
• Redeploy this administration to a federal prison.
• Redeploy our destroyed world reputation by HELPING others.
• Redeploy corporations out of political control of our nation.
• Redeploy our true American spirit by working together for our common good.

Who am I kidding? KSM is guilty of being a member of al-Qaida, but he obviously isn't responsible for all of his torture-induced egotistical boasts. We CAN accomplish the above redeployments, however, and you know how. . .

ITMFA!