Flatulence in the First Degree

A 13 year old Florida student has been arrested for assault with a bodily substance:

A student at Spectrum Junior-Senior High School was arrested earlier this month after he passed gas and turned off his classmate’s computers, according to a report released Friday by the Martin County Sheriff’s Office.

According to the report, the incident occurred Nov. 4, when the 13-year-old boy “continually disrupted his classroom environment” by purposely breaking wind. He then shut off some computers other students were using.

A school resource officer placed the boy under arrest after he confessed about his behavior, according to the report. He was charged with disruption of school function and released to his mother.

Run, Herbie! RUN!!

A man who claims to have had sex with 1,000 cars has defended his "romantic" feelings towards vehicles:

Edward Smith, who lives with his current "girlfriend" – a white Volkswagen Beetle named Vanilla, insisted that he was not "sick" and had no desire to change his ways.

"I appreciate beauty and I go a little bit beyond appreciating the beauty of a car only to the point of what I feel is an expression of love," he said.

"Maybe I'm a little bit off the wall but when I see movies like Herbie and Knight Rider, where cars become loveable, huggable characters it's just wonderful.

Read more about this "auto-eroctica" here. No word yet on whether or not he's ever burned his mouth on a tail pipe. . .

Man has "picnic" with. . .patio table

Police in Bellevue, Ohio thought they'd seen it all. Then a neighbor of local resident Art Price, Jr., 40, showed them video tape he had taken of Price having intercourse with his patio table. On his deck. During the day. Within view of a school. Watch in amazement:

Dead Man has a tale to tell

Zach Dunlap, pictured at left, died last November 19th in an ATV accident. Apparently somebody forgot to inform him of that incident. Dunlap, 21, of Frederick, Oklahoma, said he has no recollection of the crash but remembers the doctor pronouncing him dead.

His family had approved donation of his organs and were paying their final respects when he reacted to a pen knife being scraped against his foot. After his foot moved, pressure was applied under his fingernail which also caused movement in his hands. Zach spent another 48 days in the hospital, but returned home to continue his long recovery.

His father, describing the results of his son's brain scan, said "There was no activity at all, no blood flow at all." His mother, Pam, said that when she discovered he was still alive, "That was the most miraculous feeling. We had gone, like I said, from the lowest possible emotion that a parent could feel to the top of the mountains again".

Dunlap now has the lifesaving pocketknife that was scraped across his foot, causing the first reaction. He snarked, "Only the good die young, so I didn't go."

Our Crazy Language

We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes;
But the plural of ox became oxen not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice;
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I spoke of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and three would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine, she, shis and shim.

Let's face it, English is a crazy language.

There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger;
Neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England.

We take English for granted.

But if we explore its paradoxes,
We find that quicksand can work slowly,
Boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea, nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing,
Grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends,
But not one amend?
If you have a bunch of odds and ends
And get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
If teachers taught,
Why didn't preachers praught?
If a vegetarian eats vegetables,
What does a humanitarian eat?

Sometimes, I think all the folks who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane.

In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down; in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
Where did this strange language come from and why do we speak it?
'Cause we don't know another, I guess...

What's That Smell? ?

From EyeWitness News - Huntington WV:

You've heard about mouse droppings in food bins, spoiled food on buffet tables and roach infestations in our Behind the Kitchen Door series. This time, Patrick Mcmurtry has a special report with what he calls the most disgusting thing he's seen since he's been doing these reports.

Inspectors found a nasty odor in the Aristocrat bar in Huntington. They went back and discovered the disgusting truth, the nasty odor was coming from fluids oozing from the bar owner's legs. Carl Scarberry is the owner of the Aristocrat. The bar remains open despite years of health reports showing the floors were soiled from blood and bodily fluids from leg ulcers.

More on this story, as well as the video, HERE.

Sex to DIE For!

Columbia, South Carolina police are investigating the deaths of a young couple found naked on a city street after apparently falling four stories from a rooftop.

The man and woman, 21-year-old Brent Tyler and 21-year-old Chelsea Tumbleston, were both servers at Wild Wing Cafe in Columbia's Vista. On Wednesday night, the restaurant closed early.

WOAI News Video

A sign on the door of the Wild Wing stated that the business would be closed until lunch Thursday so employees can mourn the loss of their co-workers.

Shortly after 5am Wednesday, authorities say a taxi driver found the two nude bodies on Laurel Street between Gadsden and Assembly streets in downtown Columbia. Police Chief Dean Crisp said it appears they fell from the roof of 1812 Lincoln Street.

The roof is pyramid-shaped metal, likely slick on a damp morning. The two were alive when found but were pronounced dead after being taken to Palmetto Health Richland Hospital.

McCants says the preliminary investigation appears to show the couple died accidentally. She says there were no indications of foul play.

Clothing was discovered on the roof, about 50 feet above the street. The incident happened near the Old Chamber of Commerce building in downtown Columbia near Finlay Park.

An eyewitness account was given to police by a homeless couple sleeping in the garage that night. Autopsies were scheduled for Thursday.