Dumbshit Criminal of the Week

How about a nice Hawaiian Punch?

Cynthiana Kentucky resident, Peter Hafer,on trial for charges of burglarizing a K-Mart store in June, told the judge he didn't trust his court-appointed lawyer, Doug Crickmer. As Crickmer began to tell Judge Rob Johnson that Hafer couldn't choose his public defender, Hafer decided to punch the attorney:



"I just couldn't take it anymore and I just snapped," Hafer said later at the Scott County jail. Hafer hit the attorney several times in the face and stomach before being restrained on the ground. Crickmer was admitted to Georgetown Community Hospital and released later that day. He said he will not file assault charges.

As for his request for a new attorney, Hafer apparently will get his way. Authorities said a new one will be appointed.

He Couldn't Do the Time

A 72 year old Lynchburg, Virginia is in jail today charged with robbery and use of a firearm in commission of a felony. Duval Alexander Davis Sr. stands accused of robbing a Lynchburg bank, at least before he changed his mind.

According to police, Davis entered Carter Bank and Trust on Nov. 29 armed with a gun and told the branch manager, "give me all your money."

Witness state that Davis then appeared to be conflicted, handing the money back to the teller and asking her to call the police. He also tried to give her his gun. A Lynchburg General District judge ruled on Wednesday that prosecutors have enough evidence to send the case to a grand jury.

No word on whether or not Davis was under the influence of any "Lynchburg Lemonade". . .

Thief Aids in His Own Capture

Since we're already on the subject of criminal masterminds (see prior post), another genius up in Lew Scannon's neck of the woods was arrested Monday after a failed attempt at theft of hunting knives. By concealment on his person. OPEN hunting knives. Stuffed into his pockets. . .my hand just automatically coiled down to protect Big Jim and the Twins after reading that.

The man, who has a record of retail fraud, had stuffed nearly $300 worth of hunting knives into the waistband of his pants, when employees of the Meijer Superstore in Grand Rapids attempted to confront him. In his attempt to flee from the smocked army, he tripped, fell, and stabbed himself in the abdomen. Police dusted the knife for prints and charged the man with retail theft, causing a public disturbance, and attempted indoctrination into the Darwin Awards.

From an eyewitness shopper:

I saw a man laying down on the mat by the carts, a knife by him with blood on the full blade of the knife," shopper Heather Dodd told WOOD-TV. "It was not a dull kitchen knife or a sharp butcher's knife, it was somewhere in between.

"Someone was holding him down so I just walked around him, grabbed my cart, made sure everything was OK and got out of the way."

Why does that bother me more than the bleeding idiot? "He's bleeding, he's restrained. . .okay. What aisle is the Campbell's soup in? Michael Bains should be reporting this one. . .

Dead Men Cash No Checks

Not wanting to let an opportunity for a financial windfall pass, New York criminal masterminds David J. Dalaia and James O'Hare concocted a brilliant scheme to earn a quick $355 - remove their dead neighbor from his apartment, place him in an office chair, and wheel him down to the local check-cashing outlet to cash his Social Security check.

The pair ran into a few snags along the way. They were unable to fully dress Virgilio Cintron's corpse, having to cover his lap with a jacket when his pants refused to pull all of the way up (DAMN that rigor mortis!). And onlookers during the trio's one-block journey wondered about the man in the office chair who's body was bouncing around like, well, a dead body.

Then, after leaving Cintron's body outside the store, the pair presented the check to the clerk inside who just happened to know Mr.Cintron since. . .wait for it. . .Pay-O-Matic was the nearest check-cashing outfit to the man's apartment and he usually cashed his SS checks there. When asked for ID, the men stated that Cintron was right outside and they would go get him.

In the meantime, drawn by the crowd surrounding the obviously deceased man in an office chair, a police detective who was having lunch at a restaurant next door became curious and stepped outside to appraise the situation. Uniformed officers from the local precinct were quickly called in, Dalaia and O'Hare were apprehended, and Mr.Cintron's check was saved. For all eternity.