McCain Left On Campaign Bus Overnight

Campaign officials downplayed the incident, saying the senator was fine as soon as he was fed and taken to the bathroom.

Old, Grizzled Third-Party Candidate Threatens McCain's Base

Experts predict that Joad Cressbeckler could tip the election to Obama by attracting people who want to vote for the most crotchety candidate possible:

Poll Reveals 430 New Demographics That Will Decide Election

A recent election poll indicates vegan independents and skydiving widowers are among the groups that will have a major impact in November:

"No Values" voters - the forgotten demographic

Both candidates are stepping up their efforts to attract crucial 'no values voters' by abusing animals and murdering the elderly. More from the Onion's crack reporters:

Know Your Candidates

Courtesy of The Onion

Hillary Clinton

Reason For Presidential Bid:
Left some stuff at White House

Experience:
Husband secretly let her run country from 1997-1999

Favorite Food:
Wheat slurry injected directly into her stomach

Signature Issue:
Becoming President of the United States

Murder Convictions:
3

Make-up Secrets:
Classified

Reproductive Process:
Squirts thousands of egg sacs into host intestine, then fertilizes them herself

See All Candidates

Key Issues

• Health Care
  "I am the only candidate who can claim experience on the issue of health care: an experience of glaring, humiliating failure dating back more than a decade."
• Iraq War
  "I would never have voted for the war had we known it would become unpopular."
• Abortion
  Has enforced at least two on Bill Clinton's other partners.
• Immigration
  "I voted for the border fence because I believe in order to solve our immigration crisis we must first show immigrants how unwelcoming, hateful, and xenophobic America is."
• Economy
  "We need to create new jobs in this country—green collar jobs that can help our economy and our environment. And I'd like to point out that that's my term—'green collar' jobs. See, I can come up with exciting phrases."
• Climate
  Will double education spending so that our children will be ready to deal with the problem once it gets really bad.
• Pakistaniran
  Voted to require 15 minutes' extra diplomacy before launching airstrikes.