Greetings

Hallmark cards you'll never see:

OUTSIDE:  As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...  
INSIDE:   That you're not here to ruin it for me.  

OUTSIDE:  If I get only one thing for Christmas...  
INSIDE:   I hope it's your sister.  

OUTSIDE:  I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone  
         to love.  
INSIDE:   After having met you, I've changed my mind.  

OUTSIDE:  I must admit, you brought religion into my life.  
INSIDE:   I never believed in hell 'til I met you.  
 
OUTSIDE:  Looking back over the years that we've been together,  
         I can't help but wonder...  
INSIDE:   What the f**k was I thinking?  

OUTSIDE:  I always wanted to be rich, powerful and well-respected.  
INSIDE:   And while I'm dreaming, I wish you weren't so damn ugly.  

OUTSIDE:  Sex with you is like using drugs:  
INSIDE:   Lots of people do it, but nobody's stupid enough to  
         admit it.  

OUTSIDE:  When we were together, you always said you'd die for me.  
INSIDE:   Now that we've broken up, I think it's time you kept  
         your promise.  
         _  
OUTSIDE:  The holidays are a great time to be with family.  
INSIDE:   Of course, your family won't be with you, since I'm  
         taking the kids and moving in with my sister, you cheating  
         bastard!  

OUTSIDE:  I'm so miserable without you...  
INSIDE:   It's almost like you're here.  

OUTSIDE:  If you ever need a friend...  
INSIDE:   Buy a dog.  

OUTSIDE:  Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.  
INSIDE:   Did you ever find out who the father was?