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Sunday, April 15, 2007

A Guide for Today's Man

Men's Merit and Demerit Guide

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies:

Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are deducted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry,that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed.....+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows....0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets.....-1
You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings......+5
In the snow .....+8
But return with beer.....-5
And no liners.....-25

You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing.....0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
It's her cat.....-40


AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party.....0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College
drinking buddy.....-2
Named Tiffany.....-4
Tiffany is a dancer.....-10


HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday.....0
You buy a card and flowers.....0
You take her out to dinner.....0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
colors of your favorite team.....-10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal.....0
The pal is happily married.....+1
The pal is single.....-7
He drives a Ferrari.....-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED).....-15


A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie.....+2
You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
You take her to a movie you like.....-2
It's called Death Cop III.....-3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts.....-30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-500


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in
responding.....-10
You reply, "Where?".....-35
You reply, "No, I think it's your ass"......-100
Any other response.....-20


COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience......+50
You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her
saying "well, what do you think I should do?".....-100
You have fallen asleep.....-200


IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH

You talk.....-100
You don't talk.....-150
You spend time with her......-200
You don't spend time with her.....-500
You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000


Game Over - YOU LOSE

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3 Comments:

Blogger Robert Rouse said...

I'd tell you what I think about your little post here . . . but my wife reads your blog and I need as many points as I can get.

title="comment permalink">April 16, 2007 1:04 AM  
Blogger Sewmouse said...

My friend Randy has the ultimate come-back for the "Does this make me look fat?" question:

"What doesn't, Dear?"

Sure, he gets demerits, but he EARNS them - and he wears them proudly!

Randy's kinda weird...

title="comment permalink">April 16, 2007 2:35 PM  
Blogger John Good said...

I actually had to watch MY wife read through this list and attempt to interpret what she was laughing at. . .

title="comment permalink">April 17, 2007 9:14 PM  

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