Comic Relief

"Karl Rove's new talking point for the Republicans is that the terrorists are like the Nazis, and anyone against the Iraq War is like the appeasers before World War II. If that doesn't work they're going to use Bush's analogy, where bin Laden is a Klingon and he's Captain Kirk." - Bill Maher

“The United States and Europe say they’re ready to begin imposing low-level sanctions against Iran, such as travel bans. Travel bans. That’s going to ruin a lot of people’s Labor Day weekend. How many were going to Tehran this weekend? Aw.’” - Jay Leno

"Here's a good reason to stay in school. The president was in Salt Lake City yesterday speaking about the War on Terror, while simultaneously fighting his own personal battle with the English language [on screen: Bush mispronouncing 'totalitarian']. You think when he sees Jessica Simpson screw up a word, he laughs or feels sorry for her?." - Jimmy Kimmel

"President Bush is on television giving a speech and Kyra Phillips, an anchorwoman from CNN, gets up to go to the bathroom. She's wearing a microphone. She leaves the microphone on. Everyone was outraged. What's the big deal? She gets up to go the bathroom in the middle of a George W. Bush speech -- who hasn't done that?" - David Letterman

“But some good news. The price of gasoline continues to fall. It has dropped 15 cents over the last two weeks. In fact, listen to this. Gas prices have dropped so much Dick Cheney was put on suicide watch. Can’t take it anymore.” - Jay Leno

Iraq's government announced Sunday the Iraqi Army has captured the country's number-two al-Qaeda leader. They know beyond the shadow of a doubt that he's the number-two leader. He just shot his lawyer on a hunting ranch outside of Baghdad.- Argus Hamilton

"According to a national organization that studies obesity, nine of the fattest states in America are in the lower third of the country. In other words, geographically, America has a fat ass." - Conan O'Brien

"He [Bush] kind of blew it. He described his reading list to Brian Williams during the interview as 'epileptic.' I think he was trying for 'eclectic.' What happened? He was doing so well on the Ritalin." - Bill Maher