A Little Straight Talk for the GOP

By Nancy Greggs (With thanks to Kvatch for tipping me to this)

So I hear you people have your knickers in a twist over this flag-draped coffin ad thing, and to be perfectly honest with you, I am beginning to see why.

By using the image of dead soldiers in their campaign ads, it looks like the Democrats are trying to steal your thunder, doesn’t it? Looks to all the world like THEY’RE trying to take credit for all of YOUR hard work.

It’s not like you didn’t contribute to those casualties, what with not insisting that every soldier have proper body armor, helmet inserts, and communications equipment that actually works when they’re out in harm’s way. And now these Dem pikers come along and try to steal all the glory that rightfully belongs to you.

Yeah, I gotta agree with you on this one; this is pretty low. I mean, what are those shameless Democrats gonna do next? Maybe produce some of those Swiftboat-type commercials, where they just out-and-out lie about good Republicans who didn’t mean to take those bribes and got railroaded into prison? Honest to Pete, you’d think some people would have a sense of decorum when it comes to political discourse.

So let me tell you what I’m going to do to make it up to you. I’ve got a few good ideas that can help you turn this thing around.

First off, why don’t YOU run your own ads with caskets representing the dead. Of course, you’re going to have to limit it to just US military deaths, because if you start adding in all of those Iraqi casualties – well, you’re gonna need a bigger screen.

So you have all of these caskets lined up, and on each one of them you have a little sticker that says “Brought to you by the Republican Party” – now, how’s THAT for marketing genius? Let the American people know who REALLY gets the credit here, right?

Now, you’ve got to follow this up with more ads, just so there’s no doubt about who’s who in this war game, right? How about an ad with the eighteen-and-over kids and grandkids of Republican senators, congressmen, administration types – you get the idea – showing them NOT in uniform. This conveys the unmistakable message that even though YOU don’t have any kids serving on the front lines, that doesn’t mean you don’t empathize with the folks that do! And if you could have them dress up in those preppie-type uniforms from expensive private schools, all the better! I’m telling you, I’m even impressing myself here.

You could do a series of individual photo ads, too – like a GOP elected official standing in front of limo with a “Support the Troops” sticker on the bumper, with the message: “Mr./Ms. GOP So-and-So smiling proudly after having voted to slash military pensions and benefits yet again!”

Or maybe a video ad of one of you walking down a busy DC street, where you see a homeless vet and you stop and drop a quarter into his tin cup? Voice-over: “Who says the Republican party doesn’t care about the troops?”

Like we used to say back on the block, “If that don’t get it, it ain’t in town.”

Listen, I‘ve got lots of great ideas – this is just the tip of the ol’ Titanic-sized iceberg. So have your girl call my girl. We’ll pencil in some time to chew the fat, and get you guys back on track with this thing, okay?

Hey, don’t thank me. It’s the least I can do. Because when it comes to keeping our military safe and secure, you’ve shown the absolute least YOU can do time and time again.