John McCain's Infommercial

(Editor's note: The following is an encore presentation of a blog post which I published in April 2007. I felt it's relevance to the current presidential race merited a re-post.)

Howdy folks! I'm Senator John McCain, but you can call me "The Pander Bear". I'm here this evening to promote an exciting new product that I had the privilege of testing during my recent shopping trip in Iraq. Ya see, with all of the negative reporting by the liberal media, people back home just aren't getting the true story on our progress in Iraq. In fact, I've been accused of "wearing rose-colored glasses". Now some might take that as an insult, but it got me to thinking about how I could change the erroneous perceptions that people keep reporting on our great successes in establishing this fine example of democracy in the middle east.

Hell, I have to thank these biased media types for that label. It inspired me to create this wonderful new invention that I am proud to introduce to you here today:


"The John McCain Reality Shades"!

I'm wearing a pair in the above picture from my trip to the market. And Mike Pence was gracious enough to help me test them out on that same trip. These special shades are made from a top-secret material, distortium, whose exact properties are known only by top Haliburton executives. Distortium has the ability to bend negative images before they enter the human eye, thus allowing the true images that would normally be blocked to be seen instead. I know, I know, it's all kinda sciencey. . .but the bottom line is - it works!

To prove it, I took photos from a standard digital camera. Here is the picture I took with the distortium lenses fitted onto that camera:


















And here is the picture I took after removing the distortium lenses:













Is there any question at all as to the importance of these special shades? I have personally paid for a pair of these for every media person who is reporting on our war against terror in Iraq! If they refuse to wear them. . .well then we know whose side they're on. Miserable bastards probably won't even send me a thank you note! I rotted in a Nam POW camp, where I lost my freaking mind, but do THEY give a rat's ass?? HELL NO!

Sorry about that. . .sometimes I have "flashbacks" and I have to take the "special pills" that our great and glorious leader, Mr.Bush, was able to find for me. They erase the rage and fill me up with love for him. . .honestly, sometimes I just can't keep my hands to myself! I. . LOVE. . .THAT. . . .MAN! You would to if you got to know him as well as I have. All of those nasty things he said about me in 2000 were just politics, he told me so! And George Bush is incapable of telling a lie! But I digress here. . .

Getting back on topic, I wish I could afford to give all of you a free pair of this high-tech eyewear, but Halibuton is charging more than a tankful of premium unleaded for production costs. So, by taking a very small profit, I am offering you these amazing new "reality shades" for the absolute lowest price possible: $2,999.95 Folks, I'm only making $1.00 per pair at that price! That being said, I'm ready to give you a pair of these for only $19.95, on one condition - your promise to vote for me in 2008. Now I know that some will say I am trying to buy your votes, which couldn't be further from the truth. I'm merely rewarding your loyalty to me, John McCain, the next fuhrer, err. . president of our great corpocracy, umm, democracy!

Thank you all! Good night and God bless!

-Senator John McCain