10 Things

Received via e-mail from my spouse:

Minnie Driver’s Top 10

1. When you hug a woman at the end of a date, if you have any romantic intentions whatsoever, do not "bro-pat" her on the back.

2. If you are fortunate enough to have a girlfriend not wear underwear with her sexy black dress, do not announce it at the dinner party when there's a lull in conversation.

3. My mother always told me that if a guy mentions his ex three times or more on a first date, he should automatically be given the "I really like you, but..." treatment. I love my mother, but she's wrong: You get one freebie mention.

4. Here's an extra tip: Use that freebie to say something nice about her and you're much more likely to get in our knickers.

5. If you think your waitress is hot, don't tell your date. She may well confide in the waitress in the bathroom, indicate what an insensitive schmuck you are, and the waitress, who will always choose female solidarity over your powerful skills of observation, will probably spit on your prime rib.

6. If we look perfectly bronzed in February, it's fake, and it's going to come off on your sheets. Be prepared to make the call: sex or your Egyptian cotton.

7. Admitting that you're into us becomes infinitely less endearing when you follow it with the phrase, "Which is weird, because you're not really my type."

8. "No" does not mean "Yes, eventually," and if we say "Maybe," we really mean "No."

9. "I don't know" means just what it sounds like: "I don't. No."

10. We did not burn our bras in the sixties so you could get a better look at our boobs.

Tea Leoni’s Top 10

1. Sorry, but we're actually all not "a little gay."

2. When "we" are pregnant, don't ever tell anyone "we're pregnant," because "we're" not.

3. We loosened the jar first.

4. It's always, always better to go commando than to show up in tighty-whiteys.

5. If you take medicine for athlete's foot, keep that little secret to yourself.

6. We know you know where the remote control, the dry cleaning, the ski equipment, the peanut butter, the nail clippers, and the toilet paper are located in the house we both live in, so knock it off with the "Honey, could you...?" crap.

7. If you're wearing a baseball cap and you're bald...you know we know, right?

8. Leave the low-on-the-toe loafers and heels to us. We don't like for any of your shoes to resemble our shoes. Unless we're talking cowboy boots, and, in that case, you better have the hat.

9. Supersecret: Unless we're blind or have no night-light in the bathroom, the whole toilet-seat thing is exaggerated and meant to control you.

10. We only tell you the things we want you to know about us, and you can bet dollars to doughnuts there are more than ten of them.

Molly Shannon’s Top 10

1. At the same rate you're losing your hair, we're getting a mustache.

2. We're not afraid you're cheating on us; we're afraid you're retarded.

3. We thought we'd end up with someone hotter, too.

4. There's nothing less sexy than catching a guy sniffing the butt of his jeans to see if they're clean.

5. An open shirt isn't sexy. Richie Sambora can't pull it off. Neither can you. One or two buttons undone at the top of your shirt max.

6. Don't bother with the G-spot until you've mastered the A, B, C, D, E, and F-spots.

7. "Island wear" is a cue to us that you're bad in bed.

8. It's not the thought that counts; it's whether or not we can return it and get what we really want.

9. The three words every woman really longs to hear: I'll clean up.

10. Sometimes no means "I would have, but you're over thirty and spend your nights playing Xbox."

Courtney Cox’s Top 10

1. Pull your pants up. You're not fifteen, you're not a rapper, and we need to see the shape of your ass.

2. Pull your pants down. You're not eighty-five, you're not an accountant, and we don't need to see the shape of your balls.

3. Breasts are not a speed bump to the promised land.

4. Yes, we want you to be more verbal. No, burping doesn't count.

5. Kissing is something that you need to stay engaged in, even if all the blood is rushing out of your head and into other parts of your body.

6. Speaking of which, though it might make for a cool carnival sideshow, our entire face will not fit inside your mouth, and thus this makes for lousy kissing.

7. If we're crying and you're holding us and get a hard-on, we automatically deduct points.

8. And getting a boner while we're sleeping next to you is not an excuse to wake us up. This is not what they mean by serendipity.

9. We pay closer attention to your hands than you think. It's bad enough if you don't have manly hands, but if your nails are longer than ours, forget it.

10. You don't get a vote in the preferred shape of our pubic hair. Until you've had hot wax poured all over your crotch, you're merely a passenger on that flight.