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Tuesday, January 01, 2008

Liar's Club

Or, how I spent my New Year's Day eve responding to yet another meme - Thanks, Robert, old buddy old pal-o-mine. . .

The shtick is that I'm supposed to create seven falsehoods about myself and my life, so, what better place to start than at the very beginning:

I was born into troubled times in our great country; to parents who couldn't even acknowledge my existence for the harm it would cause. It mattered not to me, as I lost them both in my earliest years. I never knew of my earlier connections to Robert Rouse until recently.

I was taken in by friends of mother, who raised me in a strict Mormon environment, and introduced me to show biz. Most people never even knew that there were two Jimmy Osmonds due to our striking resemblance. I still have my white leisure suit.

Having had a taste of the show biz way of life, I decided to venture out on my own, and soon landed my very own show here in Fort Wayne. Enough time has now passed that I can come clean and admit the following: yes, I was the famous Happy the Hobo on WFFT-TV!

Alas, the pressures of a show biz career put too much of a strain on my marriage. I could only take so many snide comments: "big shoes, so much for that theory" - "you taste funny" - "ram it, clown". Paula and I still stay in touch, and are much better as friends than as husband and wife.

In my efforts to reconcile my life after the breakup, I locked myself away in a secluded warehouse in the Sierra Nevada's, where I eventually perfected the prototype for the fuel cell vehicle shown here at the Bonneville Salt Flats. Little did I know what trouble I'd caused for myself!

Rightly believing that my new technology would cause great harm to his oil company profits, Dick Cheney had me rounded up and deposited in a black site prison in Yugoslavia. To add insult to injury, I was forced to work around the clock repairing old Yugo's.

I would have rotted there forever if not for the efforts of Russ Feingold - he dispatched a crack team of Badgers to free me and join him in his 2008 presidential run. How could I possibly say no after that? Please vote for the Feingold-Good ticket this year, and remember our platform: Beer and cheese for ALL Americans!!

God bless you, and God bless America!!


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Blogger Parson said...

ha ha, those are great. I aways thought you looked a bit like Happy the Hobo.

title="comment permalink">January 01, 2008 7:57 PM  
Blogger Mary Ellen said...

Great lies! Although, I have the feeling that the one about you and the Osmond's isn't a lie at all. I'll have to ask your wife to put up a pic of you in your Mormon underwear. I'll bet you still wear them. ;-)

title="comment permalink">January 01, 2008 9:29 PM  
Blogger Robert Rouse said...

Man, if I had known Johnny was your daddy, I would have told the KGB to back off.

title="comment permalink">January 02, 2008 1:12 AM  
Blogger Vic DeMize said...

Nice job, mi amigo. I'm just sorry your show biz career never took off the way that other brothers act did.

title="comment permalink">January 02, 2008 12:46 PM  
Blogger Stan Matuska said...

LOL! Man, what a life. I really can't see you and Paula together though - guess that would 'splain the breakup. Lucky for Jody though =)

title="comment permalink">January 02, 2008 3:15 PM  

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