Things you have to believe to be a Republican today
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him; a good guy when Cheney did business with him; and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt.
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.
posted by John Good @ 6:12 AM
9 Comments:
John, once again you are confusing Republicans with fundamentalist whack-jobs. Let me explain, item by item.
Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton. How is Jesus relevant to politics? Oh wait, he's not.
Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush's daddy made war on him; a good guy when Cheney did business with him; and a bad guy when Bush needed a "we can't find Bin Laden" diversion. Reagan DIDN'T arm him, GHWBush did. That was a CIA operation front to back...and we all know the CIA didn't answer to the president back then.
Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is Communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.Trade with Cuba is wrong because they played "party-host" to a pile of Russian nukes that were subsequently pointed at US. Communism has nothing to do with it.
The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq. Ok, this just doesn't make any sense in ANY context. The United States should be afforded UN power based on the amount of dollars we put in (to preserve our national interests). Otherwise, yes, we should get out. The UN is a huge waste of time when it comes to anything other than humanitarian efforts.
A woman can't be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation. Apples to oranges here John, and you know it!
The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay. I think we all know this is bullshit, but we also know that trying to depleat troop morale by trash-talking their boss and their job is a shitty way to get them upset with their leadership. Sometimes I think there are people (besides Osama) who would be thrilled if we had a troop revolt in Iraq and they all walked off the job. You'd cheer, I'd go dig a bunker.
If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex. If kids don't have the balls to buy their condoms at the store like everybody else, they have no business having sex. The old "they're gonna do it anyway" argument is fallacious at best. If they think they are ready to engage in sexual behavior, then more power to them...but I'm not going to EVER say that the government should get involved. The government is NOT a substitute for good parenting no matter how you spin it or how many "what-ifs" you can come up with.
A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money. Wouldn't you want a long-time friend to tell you if they thought you were being a jackass, or if you had food caught between your teeth? I'm sure you are talking about France and Germany, who had their collective paws in Hussein's pockets (the same as the evil Halliburton you always bitch about). So why is it cool for the Europeans to hop in bed with a genocidal dictator but not a business?
Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy, but providing health care to all Americans is socialism. I'll take care of providing my family with health-care, thank you. It's my JOB TO DO THAT AS A FATHER AND HUSBAND. I'm not going to use Iraq as a benchmark for civilized society if that's ok by you.
HMOs and insurance companies have the best interests of the public at heart.In a round-a-bout way, yes. I think they have gotten a bad rap, but I also think it's self inflicted to a major extent. That's a topic for another day...trust me, I can expound!
Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools. Anyone who thinks that creationism should be taught in a school is a fucking moron, not a Republican.
A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense, but a president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy. Apples to Oranges again John. FTR...thousands die in car accidents every year too...Bush's fault? I'm pretty sure Bush hasn't personally killed a single one of our troops...I think that would be INSURGENTS doing most of that.
Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet. A REAL republican knows that "marriage" has nothing to do with the government or the Constitution. I for one, think everyone in the U.S. should file their taxes individually. Censorship is just as much a liberal thing...vis-a-vis Tipper Gore.
The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's driving record is none of our business. Apples to oranges again, John.
Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery. No one has ever been thrown in jail for being an addict. People get thrown in jail for the stupid shit they do under the influence. Either way, everybody gets a trial...except Limbaugh, who was guilty the day the story broke.
You support states' rights, but the Attorney General can tell states what local voter initiatives they have the right to adopt. And you support ballot initiatives, as long as they meet your progressive agenda. For example, the ballot initiative in Ohio (which passed by a HUGE margin) that outlawed gay marriage and civil unions was "just a total travesty" according to the liberal left...
What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the '80s is irrelevant.I don't really care what either one of them did, neither one is a Republican so they can both kiss my ass.
I am Republican because I believe that I have the answers to my problems, the Government does not.
I am a Republican because I believe that the rights of the many should not be infringed by the screw-ups of the individual.
I am a Republican because I have better things to do than fret about all of life's "what-ifs."
I am a Republican because I believe what I earn is mine, and I should have a say in how it is spent. I believe that the money that I give the Government should be spent on roads, not on Methodone for some homeless junkie.
Finally, I am a Republican because I believe in personal responsibility and the consequences of our decisions.
As you can see, none of this has to do with Jesus or war.
I think you just about got them all and when I read them like that it sounds like it should be fiction. Sadly, it isn't.
So far today, I'm H.Pig free. LOL
Ok..where's that jackass repube dude that always explains away everything? I wanna see his response to this post..BWAHAHAHAHAHAH..
good post dude.. :)
I especially like the impeachable part..I was going to post on that one myself today..clinton lied about a tryst w/that chunky monica..but the Shrub can lie his ass off about why we went into Iraq? I DONT THINK SO..
Andrew,
I would argue that your views are not in sync w/ the current republican party leadership. I would say you are much closer to the libertarian party...
"John, once again you are confusing Republicans with fundamentalist whack-jobs."
Sorry, Andy. It's hard to tell the difference these days,if you hadn't noticed. It seeems to me that, as many other repubs have told me, the party has left them. I've not the time to go through your counterpoints one by one, but your "reasons why I am a republican" are on mark. They just don't match the republican party at this moment in time.
Jeff's right, you MAY be a libertarian at heart. I often am told that as well. That's what happens when you don't fully "toe the party line". And there's not a damned thing wrong with that.
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Dusty,
He actually beat you here! Sorry for the comment moderation not allowing you to enjoy his rant earlier.
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Patricia,
You nailed it. That's what I'm trying to explain to Andy. He belongs to a party that no longer is, at least on the national level, what he signed on for.
John, you are explaining it exactly backwards, hence the term RINO (Republican In Name Only). Republican beliefs and ethics have not changed (by definition), there are just a bunch of fucking anuses in DC and elsewhere making GOP a moving target. Fuck 'em...they're not Republicans regardless what they call themselves. The definition has NOT changed.
Look at it like this: Tomorrow, I could start the morning by putting a post on my blog that says "I AM THE WORLDS BIGGEST COMMUNIST SYMPATHIZER." You all would think I was nuts, but if I repeated it over and over, eventually some folks would start to believe me...maybe even some actual communists. Say those communists elect me to office, then I turn the whole communist platform upside down, deregulate utilities, set up labor unions, cut government spending from medicine etc...how long do you think it would take before they stopped calling me a communist? 15 minutes? HELL NO! It would actually take quite a while, because they would first have to admit that they were duped...which is NOT part of human nature. It's HARD for people to admit they were wrong...denial and resolve are two very potent elements of the human condition and they are both in play here.
LOL as long as it's clear that these are NOT Republicans...it's all good!
well you made my blog quote of the day with this post, well done...
Andy,
Remember that when I'm on a rant, it's not YOU! lol
JQP,
I am truly honored, sir. I'll expect a goat for my troubles.
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