You might be a conservative if. . .
...You think NPR should be shut down.
...You actually believe the election results in 2000 and 2004 were correct.
...You believe free-speech is a felony.
...You think the USA is the only 'free' country in the world.
...You think the USA is the ONLY Super Power (because you've never heard of the EU).
...You think national health care should be run by the insurance companies.
...you take dinner conversation cues from Bill O'Reilly: Normal person: "Pass the salt." Right-wing Republican: "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!".
...any time you're cornered into defending lawbreaking Republicans, you bring up Ted Kennedy and that's supposed to be the end of the argument.
....you WANT Jean Schmidt.
....you look like a moron on any talk show that isn't hosted by one of your buddies. (See O'Reilly on Letterman)
..."n*****" is a staple of your vocabulary.
....you are angry for reasons you can't explain, talking it out only makes you angrier, and the only way to make you feel better is to quash someone socially below you.
....you can hear, but are physically incapable of listening.
....you spout talking points that have been proven false, hoping that it'll stick anyway.
....you believe our president and government "just wouldn't do things to hurt its citizens."
...the phrase "eminent domain" is like a symphony to your ears.
...you value democracy, yet you hate democrats.
...you firmly believe that the poor folks that got stuck in New Orleans are to blame for their own plight for not having the good sense to have high paying jobs that would have allowed them to purchase cars/SUVs to get out of town and afford hotels in safe areas. (Or having the good sense to be born into money.)
...your head is up Uranus.
...you fail to see Ann Coulter as nothing more than every blonde joke made flesh.
...you're a "good Christian" but you hate more people than you love.
...if you think Bush, not Cheney, is in charge.
...if you think Jesus would support the death penalty, war, environmental destruction, the reduction of rights to women and minorities, and the cruel treatment of some prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.
...the idea that Bush II might be lying about his faith in Christ causes a pain behind your eyes.
...if you think fighting in Iraq (or anywhere else) is like a computer game, and you think that troops should have to complete level one to get their body armor.
...if you think Vietnam vets who supported Kerry should be booed on 4th of July.
...if you think corporate interests are national interests.
...you think Tom Delay has class.
...you think Universal Health Care is bad but Corporate Welfare is good.
...you finally have a news channel you can trust in Fox.
...You believe that bombing Iraq has anything to do with September 11.
...you believe Barbara Bush is a sweet old lady, who wouldn't hurt a fly.
...you have bumper stickers that read "nuke his ass" next to "I support life."
...you believe less ozone is better for a quicker tan.
...you support the AK-47's becoming legal. "It'll keep them doughnut eating cops on their toes."
...You think Jesus is the same blond haired, blue eyed, white, Aryan featured dude as in the picture on your fridge.
...you think Jesus Christ was a great conservative political philosopher
...you think acid rain helps cleans your driveway.
...you believe "smok 'em out" is written in foreign policy.
...your rifle gets more fondling than your wife.
...you think no child left behind is a new bus service to the KKK rally.
...you use "uh" as the seventh vowel.
...you think Bush is the closest thing to God because of his ability to cause an apocalypse.
...you think David Duke is from Hazzard County.
...you are encouraged by Bush's C+ average scholastic history. "Gee, even you could rule the free world."
...you think 'Hail to the Chief' would sound better being played on a steel guitar.
...you believe Jesse Jackson is the anti-Christ and Jerry Falwell should be referred to "his popeness."...you are certain Bush has created jobs because you have three to pay for your heat bill.
...you think "Dueling Banjos" should be the prelude for every press conference.
...you thought "need some wood" in the debates promoted Viagra.
...you believe the Iraqi elections will be fair just like ours.
...you are against gay marriage but have no problem marrying your cousin.
...you believe it was Clinton's fault for leaving to much money to play with.
...you think Colin Powell should be replaced by Cooter.
...you think Martin Luther King is the guy who built your street.
...you blame Clinton for having jobs to lose.
...you hate Michael Moore so much your thermostats read in Celsius.
...you think mercury in your fish adds flavor.
...you think the Republican Party likes you for more than your money.
posted by John Good @ 1:08 PM
7 Comments:
Funny stuff
gee,
Is that all you could come-up with? or did you get tired of typing?
well done...
JQP
I had the same thing with the state Dems. Livin' out this way aint cheap; but I do still have some TIME to contribute, if no cash. =)
MIKE SYLVESTER'S THOUGHTS ON EACH ITEM
I WANT TO SEE HOW MANY I AGREE WITH JOHN...
...You think NPR should be shut down.
YES, I OBVIOUSLY THINK THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD STOP WASTING MY TAX DOLLARS ON NPR, DUH...
...You actually believe the election results in 2000 and 2004 were correct.
YES, OF COURSE THEY WERE RIGHT. I WOULD LIKE TO ABOLISH THE ELECTORAL COLLEGE; HOWEVER, THE DEMS ARE JUST WHINING...
...You believe free-speech is a felony.
NO
...You think the USA is the only 'free' country in the world.
NO
...You think the USA is the ONLY Super Power (because you've never heard of the EU).
YES, OF COURSE WE ARE THE ONLY SUPER POWER. I HAVE BEEN TO THE EU SEVERAL TIMES AND ANYONE WHO THINKS THEY ARE A SUPER-POWER NEEDS TO STUDY THEM. THEY CANNOT EVEN AGREE ON A CONSTITUTION. THEY ARE NOT A SUPER-POWER.
...You think national health care should be run by the insurance companies.
NO, AND I DO NOT WANT THE GOVERNMENT TO RUN IT EITHER...
...you take dinner conversation cues from Bill O'Reilly: Normal person: "Pass the salt." Right-wing Republican: "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!".
NO, I AM NOT A BILL O'REILLY FAN...
...any time you're cornered into defending lawbreaking Republicans, you bring up Ted Kennedy and that's supposed to be the end of the argument.
NO, BUT TED KENNEDY IS A COMPLETE IDIOT AND CRIMINAL AND IS A NATIONAL DSIGRACE...
....you WANT Jean Schmidt.
NO.
....you look like a moron on any talk show that isn't hosted by one of your buddies. (See O'Reilly on Letterman)
NO
..."n*****" is a staple of your vocabulary.
NOT SURE...
....you are angry for reasons you can't explain, talking it out only makes you angrier, and the only way to make you feel better is to quash someone socially below you.
NOT SURE
....you can hear, but are physically incapable of listening.
NOT SURE
....you spout talking points that have been proven false, hoping that it'll stick anyway.
NO
....you believe our president and government "just wouldn't do things to hurt its citizens."
NOT ONLY NO, BUT HECK NO
...the phrase "eminent domain" is like a symphony to your ears.
NO AND THE DEMS SEEM TO LIKE IT AS MUCH AS THE REPS...
...you value democracy, yet you hate democrats.
NO, DEMS ARE JUST MISGUIDED, I DO NOT HATE THEM; THEY SHOULD BECOME LIBERTARIANS...
...you firmly believe that the poor folks that got stuck in New Orleans are to blame for their own plight for not having the good sense to have high paying jobs that would have allowed them to purchase cars/SUVs to get out of town and afford hotels in safe areas. (Or having the good sense to be born into money.)
YES, THESE PEOPLE ACT LIKE THEY ARE HELPLESS. IT IS NOT THE GOVERNMENTS JOB TO SAVE IDIOTS WHO CHOOSE TO LIVE IN A BOWL... PEOPLE SHOULD SAVE THEMSELVES... DUH...
...your head is up Uranus.
NOT SURE
...you fail to see Ann Coulter as nothing more than every blonde joke made flesh.
YES
...you're a "good Christian" but you hate more people than you love.
NO.
...if you think Bush, not Cheney, is in charge.
YES
...if you think Jesus would support the death penalty, war, environmental destruction, the reduction of rights to women and minorities, and the cruel treatment of some prisoners in Guantanamo Bay.
YES, I HAVE READ THE BIBLE.
...the idea that Bush II might be lying about his faith in Christ causes a pain behind your eyes.
NO
...if you think fighting in Iraq (or anywhere else) is like a computer game, and you think that troops should have to complete level one to get their body armor.
NO
...if you think Vietnam vets who supported Kerry should be booed on 4th of July.
NOT SURE... MAYBE...
...if you think corporate interests are national interests.
SOMETIMES.
...you think Tom Delay has class.
NO
...you think Universal Health Care is bad but Corporate Welfare is good.
NO
...you finally have a news channel you can trust in Fox.
NO
...You believe that bombing Iraq has anything to do with September 11.
NO
...you believe Barbara Bush is a sweet old lady, who wouldn't hurt a fly.
YES
...you have bumper stickers that read "nuke his ass" next to "I support life."
NO.
...you believe less ozone is better for a quicker tan.
NO
...you support the AK-47's becoming legal. "It'll keep them doughnut eating cops on their toes."
YES, WE NEED MORE GUNS...
...You think Jesus is the same blond haired, blue eyed, white, Aryan featured dude as in the picture on your fridge.
NOT SURE
...you think Jesus Christ was a great conservative political philosopher
NO
...you think acid rain helps cleans your driveway.
NOT SURE
...you believe "smok 'em out" is written in foreign policy.
NO
...your rifle gets more fondling than your wife.
NO
...you think no child left behind is a new bus service to the KKK rally.
NOT SURE
...you use "uh" as the seventh vowel.
NOT SURE
...you think Bush is the closest thing to God because of his ability to cause an apocalypse.
NO
...you think David Duke is from Hazzard County.
MAYBE
...you are encouraged by Bush's C+ average scholastic history. "Gee, even you could rule the free world."
NO
...you think 'Hail to the Chief' would sound better being played on a steel guitar.
NOT SURE
...you believe Jesse Jackson is the anti-Christ and Jerry Falwell should be referred to "his popeness."...you are certain Bush has created jobs because you have three to pay for your heat bill.
NOT SURE
...you think "Dueling Banjos" should be the prelude for every press conference.
NOT SURE, MSM IS AWFUL TOO...
...you thought "need some wood" in the debates promoted Viagra.
NOT SURE
...you believe the Iraqi elections will be fair just like ours.
YES
...you are against gay marriage but have no problem marrying your cousin.
NOT SURE
...you believe it was Clinton's fault for leaving to much money to play with.
NOT SURE
...you think Colin Powell should be replaced by Cooter.
NOT SURE
...you think Martin Luther King is the guy who built your street.
NOT SURE
...you blame Clinton for having jobs to lose.
NOT SURE, CLINTON DID BOTH GOOD AND BAD...
...you hate Michael Moore so much your thermostats read in Celsius.
YES, MICHAEL MOORE IS AN IDIOT AND A LIAR.
...you think mercury in your fish adds flavor.
NOT SURE
...you think the Republican Party likes you for more than
Congratulations to MIKE SYLVESTER!
Winner of LIA's "Longest Comment EVER" award!! Tell him what he's won, Don Pardo!
Thanks, John! Mike wins a one year subscription to The Progressive Review, a blue blazer, AND a bag of M&M's chocolate candies with all of the red ones picked out!
Thank YOU, Don! And congratulations again, Mike!
Michael Moore probably turns more people off to liberal ideology than he converts.
But I did like "TV Nation".
I LOVED Farenheit. Of course, I already despised Bush, so it was an easy thing to love, but. . .nicely done just the same.
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