Top Signs Santa Has Marriage Problems

• He's replaced all the elves with scantily clad Swedish exchange students.


• Mrs. Claus calls him "that fat freak in the red underwear".


• He traded in his sleigh for a van with a waterbed.


• He's been spending a little too much time with the life-sized Holiday Barbie.


• His new live-in personal elf valet, Steve.


• Mrs. Claus having cybersex relationship with accountant from New Jersey.


• He knows when she's been sleeping, he knows when she's awake, because he's bugged the bedroom.


• Lately, she keeps "forgetting" to tie her robe when she brings the elves their morning coffee.


• Stockings aren't the only things he's been nailing in front of the fireplace.


• Not a creature is stirring in Santa's pants.