Humor for lexophiles

• I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.


• Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.


• Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.


• The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.


• The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work


• To write with a broken pencil is pointless.


• When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.


• The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.


• A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.


• A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.


• Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.


• We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.


• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U.C.L.A.


• The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on it.


• The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground


• The dead batteries were given out free of charge.


• If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.


• A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.


• A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.


• A will is a dead giveaway.


• Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.


• A backward poet writes inverse.


• In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.


• A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.


• If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.


• With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.


• Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.


• When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.


• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.


• A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in Fran ce , resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.


• You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.


• Local Area Network in Australia : The LAN down under.


• He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.


• A calendar's days are numbered.


• A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.


• A boiled egg is hard to beat.


• He had a photographic memory which was never developed.


• A plateau is a high form of flattery.


• Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.


• When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.


• If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine .


• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.


• Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead the dough basis.


• Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.


• Acupuncture: a jab well done.