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Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Darwin Awards for 2006

It's that time again. . . The Darwin Awards are finally out, the annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the greatest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.

This year's winner was a rocket scientist. . . really!

This year, the nominees were:

Semifinalist #1 - A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2 - Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3 - A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "Major trauma."

Semifinalist #4 - A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5 - Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc.After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now ladies and gentleman, the winner of this year's Darwin Award:

The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene.

Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist...had somehow gotten hold of a JATO unit (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra "push" for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.

The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20-25 seconds. The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G forces usually reserved for dog fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.

However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface, then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not on the ground.

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Blogger Stan Matuska said...

Boy, there sure are some stoopid asses out there...er, I mean stuped.. stuppeed, dang it - dumb asses out there.

title="comment permalink">December 12, 2006 8:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I dunno bout the other stories, but the rocket car story isn't real... check out the Rocket Car Legend.

Sounds good though. :)

title="comment permalink">December 12, 2006 8:06 PM  
Blogger PTCruiser said...

Check this out, John.

title="comment permalink">December 12, 2006 8:16 PM  
Blogger Human said...

LOL buddy. I think the bungee was the funniest. The old rocket car surfaces every few years. Myth Busters, a show I enjoy, shown it to be a myth.

title="comment permalink">December 12, 2006 9:36 PM  
Blogger John Good said...

Fact or fiction, it's fun stuff! =)

And Stan, BTW, it's "stoopid". Just ask Asshat Whiny Bitch. . .

title="comment permalink">December 12, 2006 9:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

John, this blog rocks and thanks for rolling me, I'm not worthy.

title="comment permalink">December 12, 2006 9:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

John, this blog rocks and thanks for rolling me, I'm not worthy.

title="comment permalink">December 12, 2006 9:49 PM  
Blogger Robert Rouse said...

John, that's two stories in a row that mentions human remains . . . three, if you count what the kid left in the potty! Not that I'm counting or anything.

title="comment permalink">December 13, 2006 12:08 AM  
Blogger sumo said...

Loved the stories!

title="comment permalink">December 13, 2006 5:05 AM  
Blogger Donnie McDaniel said...

There are many dumbasses in this world! I just read a story last night in the paper about some asshat that actually called 911 because the person that he was trying to sell some weed to pulled a sawed-off shotgun on him and stole the weed.

Then when the cops responded to the 911 call, they searched the home with drug dogs and found more drugs and drug paraphernalia. He went to jail and they did not catch the weed thief.

title="comment permalink">December 13, 2006 9:51 AM  
Blogger John Good said...

Undeniable - You're worthy, you're worthy!

Robert - Okay. . .the next one will only feature animal remains, promise!

Sumo - =)

Donnie - I saw the same story. I've actually seen several versions of that one. There's a whole lotta idiots in this world, huh?

title="comment permalink">December 13, 2006 7:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i felel proud - almost...that arizona made this list for the first time...amazing story...and who's the person who figures out what really happened? that's a weird job

title="comment permalink">December 13, 2006 10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gotta love the Darwin awards!!

title="comment permalink">December 13, 2006 10:38 PM  
Blogger Andrew Kaduk said...

If the JATO story had been true, it would have been a terrible waste of a '67 Impala.

title="comment permalink">December 14, 2006 9:41 AM  
Blogger John Good said...

What scares me, Andy, is that SOMEONE may read that and think "what a screw-up" but, *I* could do that. . .hmmmmm ;)

title="comment permalink">December 14, 2006 6:39 PM  

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