Periodically, copies of letters from Republican officials fall into my little lefty hands. It's nice to know what they are up to, and often fun to add my comments. Submitted for your approval:
Dear GOP Voter,
In one month, Americans will go to the polls to elect a new U.S. House and Senate, 36 Governors, and hundreds of state legislators.
Unless Diebold does their job, we may be in grave danger of losing everything that we have stolen from America over the last six years.
The November 7th elections will determine the direction our nation will take, not just for the next two years, but for years to come.
My ass is out of here in 2008, but unless you act soon, they'll de-president me in early 2007!
That is why I am personally committed to helping our GOP candidates win. Laura and Vice President Cheney are also spending as much time as they can campaigning in every region of the country.
I know you keep turning down our offers of help in your campaignin', really, we have nothing more pressing to do! Dick and Bush are here to help yer electioning!
I hope I can count on you to help, too, by doing two important things:
(1.) Pull 'em down, and (2.) Bend over!
1. We need more of your money to take on these well-heeled liberal monsters! The money that they don't spend on chardonnay and caviar gets directly funneled to the ACLU!
- Make one last campaign gift to the Republican National Committee of $100, $150 or $200 to help fully fund our final get-out-the-vote efforts; and
- Make certain you, your family and friends who support our bold, optimistic Republican agenda vote on November 7th.
2. Please share some kool-aid with your loved ones so that they too may be turned into sheep to be used for our purposes.
Will you help me and our Republican candidates again today? Your generous donation to the RNC is the single most important contribution you can make to ensure we maintain our GOP majorities in the U.S. Congress.
Diebold aint fixing these things for free, people! And we're running out of the kool-aid!
Voters have a clear choice to make on Election Day.
Yer either "with us" or "with the world". The world is bad, BAD! America MUST control the world with an iron fist, lest we fall into a 9/12/01 atmosphere, where even FRANCE like s us!
It’s a choice between Republicans who understand the most important responsibility we have is to protect and defend the people of the United States.
. . .from US.
Or Democrats who will wave the white flag of surrender in the global war on terror and deny the tools needed to achieve victory.
Those lousy Progressives will take us back to the days when the entire planet was behind us! SCREW France! Who cares about other countries, it's OUR planet NOW!
It’s a choice of whether we move forward with our pro-growth policies that have created more than 5.5 million new jobs since August 2003 and kept taxes low so you have more of your own money to spend and invest as you see fit.
Those minimum-wage jobs have more than made up for all of the high-paying factory jobs that we've outsourced overseas! And all of you people earning six-figure incomes DESERVE to keep more of yer HARD-EARNED income. SCREW those lower-income scum!
Or whether the opposition will turn back the gains we have made by raising taxes on working families and effectively economic growth.
THIS ONE can't even be doctored! SHEESH!
It’s a choice of whether we will continue to confirm judges to the federal bench who strictly interpret the Constitution, not legislate from the bench.
Apparently "strictly interpret" means SHRED.
Or whether Democrats will block our well-qualified nominees in favor of activist judges who want to invent new laws.
No, DUMBASS. We just want to ensure that YOU don't erase anymore of the rights guaranteed us by our founding fathers.
If the Democrats retake the U.S. House and Senate, they will immediately move to reinstate the failed policies of the past.MY ASS will be TOAST! The constitution will once again be followed, and people will have rights! RIGHTS! We cannot risk that again!
Their policies will cost American jobs, weaken our nation’s security and devastate our economy.
They will return jobs to America, rejoin the global community, and basically fuck up corporatism! WE CANNOT allow this!
To meet the challenges of the historic times in which we live, we must elect Republican majorities to the U.S. House and Senate.
Retain. I meant "retain".
That means we must get every Republican, like-minded Independent, and discerning Democrat voter who supports our optimistic, hopeful agenda for America to the polls on Election Day.
Hi! Please have some kool-aid! What? No! It's free of charge (moohahhaha). . .Enjoy!
Please help today by sending one last campaign gift to the Republican National Committee of $100, $150 or $200. Simply return the enclosed form today with your contribution or go online at FRIGGEMAL.com/Campaign06. You can also call the RNC at 1-202-KOO-LAID to contribute by credit card.
HELP ME! OH, MY WORLD! MY WORLD!
Your contribution to the RNC will help pay for advertising, absentee ballots and the Get-Out-The-Vote drives that our candidates need to win.
Brainwashing people via the HAHA liberal media aint cheap!
The opposition and their liberal special interest group allies are leaving no stone unturned in their effort to distort our message of hope, freedom and opportunity.
These fuckers are ONTO US! WE NEED YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBERS and SECURITY CODES!!!
I am counting on active RNC Sustaining Members like you to give your support one last time. With your help, we can fully implement the policies that are the foundation of America’s continuing security, prosperity and stability.
"I don't wanna fade away" SEE how shameless we are?? We even quote that liberal Bruce Springsteen!
Time is short. I hope you will respond today.
"I'mmmmmmmmmmm mmeeeeelllttttttiiiiinnnnngggggggggg"! AAAAAHhhhhhhhhhh
George W. BushDa Shrubinator
P.S. It is vital that we maintain our Republican majorities in the U.S. House and Senate. We must also elect more GOP Governors and state officials up and down the ballot. Winning is critical to keeping our bold, responsible agenda for America on track. I am counting on you to make a special last-minute campaign gift of $100, $150 or $200 to the RNC today to help win nationwide Republican victories. Thank you.
YOU, umm THEY are onto us!